What Healing Looks Like When You’re Healed

This eclipse season has been miraculously gentle on me. I’m deeply grateful for that, because I’ve heard from all corners of my social circles, even the super normie non-woo ones, that July is being a doozy for the whole collective. Yes, I’m experiencing deep expansion and incredible transformation, but my lessons have been delivered to me in the form of a band gig at Bar Sinister, a kambo ceremony, a Walk the Moon concert, and witnessing myself hold space for my biggest container yet in The Re-Patterning Project – nothing that has required any uprooting of my life. It’s all just simple downloads of my next iterations of self, and it’s being brought to me in experiences that are actually pretty fun to go through.
I have needed more time off these last couple weeks than I would normally guiltlessly allow myself. Despite feeling very much at peace with my present circumstances, I am most definitely experiencing eclipse fatigue. I don’t have the energy to push myself the way that I’ve been doing the past year or so – even though there is more music ahead of me to make, even though bringing in more financial cushion as a springboard to my next investments never seems not like a smart idea. Even as I type this, part of me is beating myself up for letting so many days pass this month where I chose to stay home all day instead of working to bring in more income that could have amounted to more in my accounts.
And yet, I have everything I need. My monthly income is roughly the same as it is every other month.
It’s sometimes hard for me to tell when I’m being lazy or when I truly need rest and integration, and I brought the question of this distinction up at David Jonathan Hrostoski‚Äôs channel night with Burgiel of Sirius earlier this evening. Burgiel assured me that there is expansion in resting and integrating, and that we often have to go slow to go fast. Immediately I understood that acclimating to the new self I’ve been stepping into requires spaciousness, because it is less that I am stepping into a new self than that that self is anchoring itself into my body, and like any transplant, two weeks’ bed rest is advisable and indeed perhaps necessary.
I also realized in that moment that I have actually not been resistant to working whatsoever – I’ve only been resistant to the kinds of work I am no longer in alignment with. I’m thrilled as always to work with my individual clients and I’m always excited each week to log on and teach (in fact I usually go way over time). (I do have some resistance to writing/compiling the forthcoming book but that feels like potential energy that I need to allow to germinate so that by the time I sit down to write it it is already blossoming – I feel that energy getting denser and denser all the time and I think I just need to be mostly done with the course first before the information feels heavy enough that it just falls out onto the keyboard.)
At some point this summer, I lost my ability to give my power away. That sounds like a positive but honestly it’s taking some adjustment. I no longer scan the oracles of social media or the latest consciousness newsletters for pings and downloads to show me the way forward on my path, because I now know that nobody knows my path better than I do. It’s not that there isn’t any value in those posts and newsletters – it’s that I now recognize them as valuable tools for those who were in the place I was a year ago, not something I need now. And that feels lonely sometimes. It used to be that I could sign on to YouTube and click a video that would be the very message I needed to hear, and that each subsequent video I clicked would answer the next question I had, and the next, and the next. Now it’s like all the spirit went out of them, and they’re just videos of humans talking about things with varying degrees of proficiency in ways I either agree with or disagree with.
I don’t get as many synchronicities lately. I believe that should there come a time in the future when the universe needs them to communicate with me that they will be there. I don’t feel abandoned so much as I feel like the kid who’s grown up and doesn’t get the extra help because she really doesn’t need it. I had some big messages come through my decks in June, but since then it’s been just a knowing of where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do (including a kambo ceremony and a Walk the Moon concert that were both obviously divinely orchestrated onto my path). It doesn’t look as flashy as seeing candles melted into distinctive messages or crazy tarot images synched up exactly with a band’s album art. I don’t need the signs because I know the way.
I don’t know why there’s some sadness coming up for me around this, but what if the pitfall is that I risk perpetuating unwellness by not knowing what to do with myself if I’m not healing?
Things my body is calling for include:
– Resting til I can’t rest anymore
– Travel, somewhere warm and luxurious, with very clear blue oceans
– Healthier food than I’ve been eating lately
– Maybe a morning routine?? Who am I?
– Slowing down my speech instead of rushing information out like it’s a conveyor belt of chocolates and me finding words is like Lucille Ball
– Being compassionate but also really discerning about my energy, letting low-vibe things be their thing without needing to jump in the fray
– Releasing two singles between now and early 2019 so that I can allow the timeline of the next EP to start to germinate without pressure given that there’ll be two easy things in the queue before it
– Jumping into a fuller commitment to my business as soon as my course wraps, letting the potential energy gather itself now, thinking about which mentor to invest in
– Running a fall Witch Haven retreat with more ease, time, and space than I had last year (with help of said mentor)
– People who glow with divine energy, whose very posture makes you question your life choices, who make you feel awkwardly loved and accepted just by existing… maybe get better at posture myself? maybe do yoga?
– Maybe contact improv or ecstatic dance, or just more communities with people who do those things
– Recognizing where I am showing up in leadership positions to other people even when I didn’t mean to, remembering that sometimes the divine appointment is for the other person and not me (or both)
– Scheduling my content, reconciling the need for inspired engagement with the desire to have more consistency, both for my followers and also my own sanity
– More plant medicine experiences
This eclipse season, one of my big lessons is that it’s okay to be okay. It’s okay to put things together on my own without needing someone else to tell me the answers, it’s okay to settle into my studies and goals without constantly feeling like I’m being turned inside out by the universe, it’s okay to be a grown-up. I can turn my genius toward whatever I want now; I don’t always have to be in crisis mode solving the next hack of my own escape room. I’m already free.

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