So you guys know how all this stuff around trauma and touch and sexuality and desensitization came up for me in the last two weeks or so and I’ve been processing it all here publicly like I typically do?
Right. I forgot that about a month ago I cast a spell for something like “I create nurturing and nourishing love relationships with ease, joy, and bliss.”
I was teaching a private magick practicum as trade for services and I felt like I should also participate in the sigil/candle creation and casting rather than having them do it on their own, so I was like “ehh, I’ll just cast a nice gentle love spell, nbd.”
FAMOUS LAST WORDS.
No fucking wonder all of a sudden this took me over when I thought I was supposed to be focusing on writing the next album and leveling up my business. Because magick works, and you always get what you ask for, and it almost never shows up in the way you think it’s going to.
The first thing that happens when we cast for an intention is that anything that’s in the way of it comes up to be dealt with. Obviously I’ve been aware of the trauma in my past for a long time now but suddenly my limitations around receiving touch became urgent, became a thing I couldn’t ignore in the present. Duh.
Sometimes forgetting you cast is exactly the detachment you need to allow the magick to come in.
I feel chiller about this now that I know what’s up and what’s happening for me, and more in alignment with letting things flow naturally and seeking out a somatic practitioner if/when it feels right.
There is one thing I want to talk about though, now that more and more opportunities for sorting this out are presenting themselves to me.
I spook easily when I feel trapped. And when I say I spook, what I mean is that I freeze, desensitize, and look for a way out.
And there is a certain kind of wounding, especially in men, that very much wants to trap me. (If you’re a woman, you probably know what I’m talking about.)
When romantic or sexual touch is made without eye contact, from behind, where I can’t see it coming, where it just happens, and I don’t get a chance to be an energetic part of that decision – I spook.
When it’s obvious plans are being made so that I won’t have a car or any other access to leave if I want to – I spook.
When there are insinuations or jokes made that I should be allowing for more intimacy than I currently feel like (and believe me, the insinuations/jokes are FAR worse than just honestly saying what you feel to my face) – I spook.
When it’s obvious that the agenda that’s being put on me is more important than my active say in it – I spook.
And I don’t think this is a problem on my end. I think my spooking is 100% justified.
And I do recognize that as a former PUA, I might not have a lot of room to talk, because pickup artistry is rampant with agenda. But whenever I engaged in the art and practice of seduction, I always took my losses fairly. I might create a scenario designed to be tempting and appealing to a person, but ultimately if they didn’t bite, I didn’t blame them or coerce them, because even then I knew that my results were my responsibility (I may have just been aiming for those results by doing the wrong things, to be fair).
So I’ve got some things for men to think about.
If you can’t look me in the eye before you touch me, as you are touching me, then why are you touching me? Why would your first time touching me NOT be full of energetic attunement to where my body’s at in that moment? Are you afraid I’m going to say no? And if I do, then why do you still want to touch me?
Why do you want me somewhere I can’t leave? Are you afraid that if I could leave, I would? Then why do you want me there?
Why is your satisfaction more important than my say in the matter? And don’t you want me to be truthful with you?
When I engaged in seduction, I wanted people to fall in love with me. I wanted them to WANT me. They didn’t always, and sometimes, often, I was disappointed. But I never wanted them to go along with what I wanted despite their feelings. And if ever I got the slightest hint that that was happening, I released and let them go, and I even felt ugly for having let it get to that point. I never wanted someone to want me at the expense of lying to myself about it.
Why is there so much of this energy in our relationships?
One of the reasons my past is littered with so much unrequited love for emotionally unavailable men is that they weren’t trying to trap me, so I could funnel endless amounts of energy and love their way without ever feeling trapped in a situation I might not be able to leave. In a weird and twisted way, abandonment actually made me feel safe, because even if it wasn’t the emotional safety of a secure and loving partner, at least I still had my freedom.
There have been times in my past that I’ve moved to sexual intimacy quickly, without regret or buyer’s remorse, and I’ve started looking at the common denominators in those interactions:
In all of them, it was because I had the space to say no.
In some of them, it was because the person didn’t seem interested enough in me to get attached, or seemed to have plenty of other options available, so I didn’t feel like they were going to force anything from me.
In the best of them, it was because they took a moment before leaning in to check that I was giving them the green light.
If you can’t look me in the eye before the first time you move to touch me, if you can’t feel into the way my body is responding to your proximity, then don’t touch me.
Men, all your accidental brushes, grabs from behind, gropes in the dark – let me tell you a little bit about where they’re coming from.
It’s either a) entitlement – you don’t care about my say in the matter,
or b) self-rejection – you’re assuming that if I had a say in the matter, it’d be a no.
You’re rejecting yourselves long before I ever do. And then you’re surprised when my response mirrors yours.
Having said and processed all this, I’m excited that I now know what to look for more of in the future. I know that the lovers who are worth being with are those who can own their desire, look me in the eye with it, and invite me into their energy with clear intention.
In those moments, rare as they may sometimes feel, I am actually very embodied. When someone creates the atmosphere where it’s safe for me to feel, then I do. Do I have room for improvement on how much my body is able to feel? Sure. But I know the spark is there, and that given time and breathing room it can grow into a fire.
Maybe casting the spell wasn’t a mistake after all.