Captain’s Log, 9.4.17

When you’re serious about a healing process, you know not to make the same mistakes – even when they’re on the path of least resistance.

One of the main reasons I had so much trouble identifying as a survivor of abuse/assault for so long was that there were so many occasions where I allowed powerful men to abuse me because I feared losing access to something I had come to feel dependent on from them, whether it was a job, relationship, or both. I made a choice that putting up with the abuse was easier than losing community, income, or love. I chose the devil I knew over fear of the unknown. In that way I was complicit in my own victimization.

I have the same choice in front of me right now, and the facet of my life that stands on the chopping block if I speak up or leave is, indeed, something I have come to rely on. I could easily reach for a million rationalizations to stay – the violation wasn’t nearly as bad as a million others in my past, the person in question probably didn’t mean to hurt me, maybe I don’t need restitution as badly as I think I do. Why suffer such a loss merely on principle, merely because I don’t feel good standing by someone who is acting out of alignment with what I know to be right? What future people do I think I’m saving in voting no by removing my presence?

But then I remembered that the universe is infinite, and there is no reason for me to compromise myself out of fear of loss. Whatever I found through this person/community I can find elsewhere. Nobody, no matter how beautiful their contributions to the world, is worth subjugating myself.

I mean, are you kidding me? I’ve spent way too much time and money this year on my own trauma healing to go fucking it up by compromising. I’m on a path. I need this ship to come into shore, and nothing, NOTHING, is going to stand in my way of that.

This won’t be the first time I’ve said this, but the people who love you don’t want you to set yourself on fire to keep them warm. If someone wants you to set yourself on fire so they don’t have to deal with what they’re doing to you, that person is out of alignment in their love for you. Maybe they’re hurting, maybe they don’t mean it – in fact, it’s probably not even about you.

It doesn’t matter. You deserve love that is in alignment. They can come back when they’re ready to get right with you. Until then, they can treat you well or lose you.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *