Captain’s Log, 8.22.17

I love how many of my friends are checking in with me to see how I’m feeling after my awful ex got dragged publicly. And I love the care and concern. I really do.

THAT SAID. I find it hilarious anyone thinks I’d be upset. Yall. I DID THE WORK. I’ve been doing the work ALL YEAR. I’m a thousand miles away from 2015. So truly, thank you, because I love being cared about and checked in on. AND I am super okay. I’m happy that the truth is out without my personally having to open that can o’worms, because I don’t need that muddying my waters when I’ve worked so hard to heal.

The only thing noteworthy that I can add to the story is that in the wake of his separation I offered him a consensual non-monogamous BDSM relationship so he could have his fantasies responsibly, and he STILL chose monogamy and lying. AFTER ALL THAT. I figured hey marriages are messy, and while there was no question he made mistakes (which he fully admitted), I chalked it up to societal default monogamy and sexual repression being the problem. I thought he deserved a chance at having what he wanted in an honest way, and I offered him that. And in return he took everything I offered and then piled so much shame on me for it that I spent a good year of my life thinking I was completely unworthy of love, that I’d always fall on the wrong side of someone’s Madonna/whore complex. As those of you following have seen, the effort I’ve undertaken since the start of 2016 to undo this fuckery has been monumental.

Monogamy is not the problem. One troublesome marriage is not the problem. When you hate yourself so much that you only get off when the women you desire hate you too, then you will continue to hurt people so that you can revel in the guilt over what a piece of shit you are. And when you are a rich white man who has every resource to heal (especially considering you were dating ME and had access to some of the country’s best sex & relationship counselors) and instead you consciously choose not to so that you can stay in the comfort of your patterns of hurting both others and yourself, that’s no different from abuse. And I’m glad to see it made public.

This eclipse season, AS I’VE TRIED TO TELL YOU, is amazing for anyone who’s been doing their self-work and awful for anyone who hasn’t. And I have been doing mine with more fervor and commitment than anyone I know. From the vantage point of my own experience I actually feel like this is coming out now so that I can be publicly honest about what I went through without drawing the attention of breaking the story myself, and that this is one of the final pieces of shame falling off me so that I can fully embrace my wholeness. I’ve been getting the message all week that my healing process is almost complete and I’m ready to come in for landing, and I couldn’t be more relieved.

So thank you for checking in. AND I feel completely at peace with the situation.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *