Captain’s Log, 4.2.17

In the end I’m just praying that the purity and sincerity of my love saves me even amidst the mistakes I may make.

I’m trying to assimilate the belief that my value comes from who I am, not the sum of what I do. It’s difficult if not impossible to separate identity from action, but my tendency toward perfectionism is a block to emotional intimacy. I got into the habit of really curating my actions in relationship, always judging my every move by whether it brought me closer or further. The opposite of that is no good either, because your intentions mean little if you’re acting awful towards your partner. But I want to believe that my value doesn’t come from just always doing everything right. I don’t want my worth to rest on a lack of errors – because then I end up editing myself down til there’s nothing left but a sex-meals-and-formulaic-communication bot. I want to be organic. Holy fuck do I want to be organic. I want to be organic so bad it hurts like something bigger than me is bursting out my skin and breaking me apart.

This has been a year of really rapid and difficult growth. I’m not complaining, because I set this pace myself, because I wanted it to be this way. But it’s weird sometimes because if you had told me at the outset what this path would require of me, I might have balked. I’m glad I didn’t. But I’m ready to get through it and find some peace. Pray for Arden 2k17.

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