Captain’s Log, 12.9.16

Ok latenight feelings time: you ready?

I’ve been working lately with an amazing healer. I don’t know how she does it but she names buried trauma from my past, releases it energetically, and I feel better. I don’t need you to believe me when I say that she can heal trauma over the phone, I just need you to suspend your disbelief for the story (though if you want her info let me know).

During my last session she goes, “Whoa, whose hands are around your throat?”

At first I’m like “lol that could be anyone.” Then I remember: In 2009 my then-boyfriend, the dungeon owner whose legal defense I paid when his business was shut down on a trumped-up prostitution charge and whom I financially supported in the year that followed, choked me against a wall in anger during a fight. He let go as soon as my eyes rolled back and I slumped down against the wall, but I’ll never forget the crazed look in his eyes. For at least 5-10 seconds, he was trying to kill me.

He was already on a probation sentence for the dungeon raid, and he owed me $25k for his legal fees. A 911 call meant he was going to jail — and his going to jail meant no chance of me getting paid back. (To his credit, he now pays me $250/month so he’ll be square in 8yrs total.) Due to that situation I felt I had no recourse. So I just did nothing. I repressed it because I didn’t have the luxury of processing it. I was too busy supporting both of us. I was too busy surviving.

Anyway I’m having some feelings about that now, and they rather resemble this quote posted a few days ago by Lux Atl:

“I told them about the man who raped me, the man who beat me, the ones who used me, the ones who left me, and in reply they asked me, ‘Why do you hate men?’ But I had been loving men all the while. It was them who’d been hating me.”

I was thinking about the The Gottman Institute statistic about how for a relationship to succeed you need a positive-to-negative interaction ratio of 5:1. And I realized that if you apply this logic to my relationship to the masculine, to my interactions with every man from my father to my last ex… I literally do not have enough years left in my life to right that ratio. I don’t have enough time left on earth to multiply my negative interactions with men by 5.

My meditation teacher Elie Prana suggested the possibility that there could be one man, one touch, that could rectify a lifetime of wrongdoing. So if you want to know why I believe in magick, that’s why. Because without the possibility of alchemy, I’d have no hope at all.

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