Captain’s Log, 11.27.16

So, I was inspired to see Dr. Strange because of this video about the film hiring a finger-tutting YouTuber to choreograph the hand gestures the actors use when casting spells. I thought, how cool – wonder if anyone has thought to combine finger-tutting with actual reiki or spellcraft. Peeps directed me to mudras, and also to Chinese Kuji-in. Both precedents for magickal use of gesture.

Ok now bear with me as this may seem like a tangent – here is evidence of how trauma can form habits of disembodiment and dissociation. Excerpt: “What happens in the long range is that traumatized people who continuously have a state of heartbreak and gut wrenching feelings learn to shut off the sensations in their bodies. And they go through life not feeling their physical presence.” This means peeps with C-PTSD (hi) are likely to balk at mindfulness and embodiment until they can make the physical sensations go away.

This tracks, with me. I hated tai chi, it caused me immense pain. Meditation never clicked either until I used it for journeywork. Even parkour and krav maga were, for me, about mastery over my body. Getting it to do what I wanted. Not inhabiting it.

So tonight I watched Dr. Strange and I saw heroes using their physical prowess not from a place of masculine heroic dissociation (which, let’s face it, is the root of almost every superhero origin story – “my parents were murdered so I will quash this pain and become invincible” – which is about channeling the power of our bodies to not feel pain), but rather from fully inhabiting their bodies as a means of fully incorporating body, mind, and spirit. As a way of achieving integration.

And dammit dammit dammit I now see the limitations I place on myself by intellectualizing magick so hard. It needs balance. I need to admit I have a body, and to start using it.

I don’t know what it is lately but I am feeling intense sensations, intense power in my hands recently, especially when I do magick. There’s a weekly ritual I perform where I tie knot spells onto 50-80 people a night, and at the end my hands are buzzing. Others notice too. I’ve gotten feedback about my energy when I touch people. From multiple sources in multiple social circles. And it’s not just directive, it’s receptive too. I feel it when people vacate their bodies. I feel it when they hide, front, make themselves smaller or larger. I got attuned in reiki 2+ years ago but didn’t use it much. I didn’t have the energetic sensitivity then. I think now I do. Have you ever noticed how some of the most powerful witches also have extensive training in martial arts? Apparently it’s not a coincidence.

Anyway what all this means is I’m being called to get back into my body now if I wanna level up and dammit I am kicking and screaming. Dissociation was a goddamn survival mechanism for me. Ugh ugh ugh I fucking hate yoga and tai chi and I even hated krav but I did it anyway. Ugh. Leveling up is hard but yeah imagine if I parkoured from a place of love and embodiment rather than masochism and self-punishment.

Also Dr. Strange was good, this has been my official review of the movie. Night night.

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