#NationalComingOutDay

I am: Pansexual, having had positive sexual experiences with men and women of many varieties, and at least one non-binary person. Heteroromantic, feeling really only suited toward relationship with men, despite having attempted otherwise with some truly magnificent women. Goth, which feels silly to mention, but which often feels like a bigger deal than, say, my being pansexual, when relating to others socially. Cisgender, but only out of convenience. If I were born a man I’d be fine with it, and I’d still be pansexual, heteroromantic, goth, wear makeup, and…

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You Are The One

Just fyi. When you divert your pain into purchases… I see you. When you put all your eggs into the basket of that one boy or girl texting you back… I see you. When you think making another change to your appearance will make people treat you better… I see you. When you obsess over the petty shit because the big stuff is too hard to handle… I see you. When you distract yourself from your own capabilities by playing small in ways you find socially acceptable… I see you.…

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When Life Isn’t Fair

I’m not really ok today, though I will be eventually. I got hit from the side by a young woman pulling out of a metered parking spot today. That marks my second car accident in a month. We pulled over to exchange information and I snapped her plate number, but then she sped off, without warning, the wrong way down a one-way street. The cops arrived and filed it as a hit & run, and then after they left, her brother arrived back on the scene and demanded my information.…

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Why It Is Men’s Primary Responsibility To Ensure Consent In Heteronormative Sex

Earlier today I participated on a thread where many men were asking why, when two people have sex while drunk, they are responsible for the act as an assault whereas the woman is typically not. Here was my answer: OK I’m hearing a lot of questions about why a man is typically responsible for ensuring consent when both parties are drunk. I’d like to address that. First of all, if you are a man and you have been sexually assaulted by a woman while intoxicated, you have every right to…

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The Difference Healing Makes

I’m having a hard trigger day. It’s been that way from the moment I woke up this morning until now as I’m just about falling asleep. The difference is today I’m able to stay on top of it instead of in it. Yes, I have felt many emotions, I have expressed much anger, I have felt awful all day, I have blocked many people on Facebook. And I have not pretended that any of this was not so. I have talked about it all day. But I was still able…

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#WhyIDidntReport

I haven’t posted a #WhyIDidntReport because… I don’t know, it feels like I have already told these stories at least once each this last year, and there are things that happened that I probably wouldn’t even remember, and the idea of sitting down to list them all is overwhelming. Many things I didn’t even register as problems when they happened because they seemed so distant, because I was distant from my body. Many things happened because of many other things. I don’t really know what I consented to and what…

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Three Steps

If we’re honest – while the journey through alchemizing my trauma was vast, twisty, psychedelic, unpredictable, and exponentially expansive – I could, if pressed, truthfully sum up my healing process in three steps: 1. I recognized that I was doing a lot of great things for romantic partners in codependent relationships with me who were not appreciating me for them. 2. I started doing those great things for my friends and people in my life who DID appreciate me for them, and who often reciprocated them. 3. I then extended…

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Conditional Support, Part 2

Just as there will be those who can only hold you in your hurt and not in your happiness, there will conversely be those who retreat into the shadows during your healing to avoid the radiation from the release of your lifetime’s worth of repressed anger and grief, and who return to you when you’re safely at the end of your journey in peace, remarking how much better you seem (in a way that betrays that they really mean that you’re more palatable to them when you’re not in your…

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Conditional Support, Part 1

Many people will tell you they support you in your healing and transformation, and then they’ll bail on you when they see what it actually looks like. I’m not talking about not being there in the dark spaces holding your metaphorical hair back as you vomit and purge your trauma – strangely, a lot of people will be very down to go to those places with you. I’m talking about accepting you fully once you emerge fully healed. Throughout the course of my healing, I’ve picked up on many of…

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Narcissist Avoidance Academy

DID YOU WASTE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP? Or did you get your hard-earned degree in Narcissist Avoidance? Yesterday one of my clients (who gave me permission to share this story) told me she was feeling sadness and regret at having wasted a year and a half of her life in a relationship with an abuser. While I didn’t diminish or minimize any of the pain she felt over healing from her trauma, I did invite her to tell herself a new story about it. “Girl, you…

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