I lied, I have one more thing to say about Aziz Ansari. But it’s important.
I was once one of those people who advised “don’t let a man into your apartment if you’re not sure you want to sleep with him,” even as I understood that it wasn’t a woman’s fault if she was assaulted as a result of being in a private space with a man. For me, if I was unsure, it was awkward, because I couldn’t trust that I would know how to navigate my boundaries – because SPOILER ALERT, I did not know how to navigate my boundaries.
The problem with living like this is that it’s awful. And I want to talk about what it looks like on the other side, in a reality where you can let a man into your apartment and trust that both you and he can navigate each other’s boundaries together.
I want to tell you about some men I’ve let into my apartment.
I made a really good friend this year whom I’d run into once or twice socially but mostly was compelled to get to know because of his work on the internet. We texted a bunch but because we’re both introverts (and it’s cheaper than going out), the first time we hung out was at my apartment with a bottle of wine. We talked until 4am. I wasn’t sure if we’d have chemistry or not, and even now if we ever felt like making out I’d probably be open to it. Let me repeat that: I HAVE NOT FELT CALLED TO DECIDE AHEAD OF TIME WHETHER I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. What I do feel certain of is that if either of us ever made the other feel uncomfortable, we’d probably sense it and ask about it, and we’d definitely want to know if the other brought it up.
There was another man I let into my apartment whom I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have sex with, and we had what you would call a “consent accident” – he accidentally left a bruise on my thigh from playfully biting it a bit too hard while intoxicated. I didn’t object to the bite in the moment but I WAS angry when I saw the bruise the next day, and I confronted him about it, telling him that because of my physical desensitization issues he was going to have to be more conscientious about not leaving marks. He apologized, agreed it was unacceptable, and promised to make it up to me. And then he did – with “brain-picking/grab a coffee” labor I requested that had actual value to me since he knew more about the subject than I did. And now we’re cool.
There have been men I have let into my apartment that I was absolutely certain I wanted to have sex with, but it was the fact that they clearly cared how I was feeling about that sex THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRETY OF ITS DURATION that caused me to actually invite them BACK to my apartment to have sex with me AGAIN.
There have even been men I have let into my apartment who didn’t want to have as much sex as I did! Whether it was because they had to leave before a second round so they could make an early meeting the next day or because they had to save their pop shot for the camera at work (hey quality struggles), when they said no we navigated it.
Do you know how nice it is to feel safe with someone to the point where you can just, you know, relax and enjoy emotional intimacy in the comfort of your own home?
This is what I want for us all. This is why I get so angry when people say “don’t let a man into your apartment if you’re not sure you want to sleep with him!” Because I’ve done that, and if I was still doing it I would have missed out on a lot of really nice evenings out of fear, distrust, and a belief that men are incapable of holding space for mature emotional exploration.
Everyone knows at this point that relationships statistically have the best chance of succeeding if two people are best friends. Well have you considered how much better our relationships would be if we all started treating each other the way we treat our best friends? If we felt safe staying up til 4am with a bottle of wine and still knowing that the person we were with cared about our comfort? If we could let our guards down and just feel safe in our bodies and in our self-expression, ALL of us?
Have you noticed this in particular amongst younger millennials especially? Have you noticed that they’re so much better than previous generations at being vulnerable and intimate with each other and allowing sexual intimacy to arise organically? I see it even in their media. Try watching Riverdale and tell me if you’re as mature and communicative in your friendships and relationships as those high school characters are in theirs (hell if you really wanna zoom out, compare it to Mad Men). That’s where this current is going.
That’s the end goal of the twin flame path, you guys. That’s sacred union and unconditional love. Ok? That’s what we’re aiming for, and that’s the heaven you’re locking yourselves out of when you run your mouths off about whether what Aziz did was *aCtUaLly* sexual assault or derail into debates about legality as if you could trust the fucking judicial system to teach you how to be kind and succeed in your relationships. YOU’RE ASKING THE WRONG QUESTIONS.
Do you want happiness, healing, emotional self-mastery, bliss, union, and true love? Or are you just here fucking around? Because the train is leaving soon. We’re in an 11 year. This shit is serious.
I want this for you but you have to be able to imagine it’s possible. And that’s going to mean expanding your consciousness beyond what you’ve been taught.