Captain’s Log, 1.15.18

For the most part, other than a couple squabbles in the comments, I have mostly remained silent on the Aziz Ansari debacle. And here is why:

This is addressed to the collective.

I’m tired of talking about things like why Aziz Ansari’s behavior is a problem, because I’ve spent the whole year writing publicly about cultivating energetic sensitivity and discernment, which if studied should give anyone the clues to how men are being called to unlearn their programming of entitlement/lack of sensitivity to others’ needs and how women are simultaneously being called to shed their programming of compliance/placing others’ comfort above their own internal experience – both factors that led in this case to a bad situation where boundaries were crossed because both parties were complicit in a culture where what Ansari wanted was treated as more important than what Grace wanted. Ok, can we agree on that much?

I’m starting to think the reason so many “gurus” throughout history have sounded so mysterious and inexplicable is that it’s really fucking tedious to have to go back and explain everything from the beginning. Because I’m about to reach a point where I go sit on a mountaintop and only answer in weird metaphors and rhetorical questions.

It isn’t fun or stimulating for me to have to go over things again and again. My energy is better spent moving forward and asking what comes next. I’m happier doing that. So I could call in increased patience and give into stagnation or I could just keep doing the work. And those who are caught up need people like me who are committed to moving forward, because once we’ve identified the problem, we can seek solutions. But we cannot seek solutions when we CANNOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM BEING IDENTIFIED WITHOUT ARGUING ABOUT IT OUT OF OUR SOCIAL PROGRAMMING – THE VERY PROGRAMMING I HAVE BEEN SAYING ALL YEAR WE ARE BEING CALLED TO BREAK FREE OF.

So I want to break your illusions about what “enlightenment” means and what it’s actually like to grow.

This is a DEATH. You are being called to examine everything you thought you knew about the world. If you thought ascension was all yoga and crystals, this is the year you find out differently.

You are being asked to scrutinize everything you were brought up to believe was normal, “the way things are.” That’s the point. This was not designed to be comfortable. I warned everyone six months ago that things were changing and that there would be work involved. I couldn’t consciously predict what that would look like at the time but I wasn’t talking about perfecting your crow pose, k?

OF COURSE you are being asked to give up the things closest to you. OF COURSE it is this vertiginous and scary. Deprogramming yourself of conditioning – “waking up” – is about realizing how messed up everything around you has been the whole time. I’m not going to say it has to be painful because if you’re ready for it it can be exhilarating and beautiful, but I’m also not going to lie and say it’s easy for most people. Neo freaks the fuck out and vomits on the floor when he unplugs from the matrix.

If you want it to be easier, you have to give up and surrender to the space madness. You have to admit you know nothing. You have to stop believing everything you were told and start listening to your body.

I prepared for this all last year. I put myself out here as an example. I catalogued everything and shared my process as transparently as I was able to, so that others could have an easier time following if they so wished.

So don’t look at me and complain. “wOmEn ShOuLdNt Go tO a MaNs aParTmEnT cUz THE WAY THINGS ARE” oh shut up. I destroyed everything I thought I knew in the name of my growth and the growth of the collective. Don’t come crying to me.

I know this sounds harsh and I am doing my best to remain in compassion, but there comes a point when I have to choose between going over everything that’s happened over the past year again and again or moving forward so I can be of service in trying to build us a better future. Every time you ask me to slow down for you because you haven’t been willing to surrender to the current, you are choosing the broken past over a brighter future. And I don’t have the patience to let you keep doing this, because I am invested in that future, AND because it’s really annoying when my blog and social media archives are literally right there for you to catch up with the rest of the class. And I understand that it often comes off as snobby when I expect people to catch up before entering a discussion, but time is precious right now and you must understand that I am looking out for you by asking you to allow me to optimize my time doing the work I am meant to do. Because I’m more useful to the collective creating that future than I am googling fifteen links for you that you should have read before coming onto the thread. Ok? I AM ASKING YOU TO DO SOME OF THE READING ON YOUR OWN TIME. There are lots of resources available. Let’s be better.

And honestly I get frustrated because I wouldn’t even be here if I hadn’t spent the last two years cultivating the ability to give up all the toxicity you’re desperately still clinging to out of some sense of order. I DESTROYED EVERYTHING. I rooted out every belief keeping me miserable, I pulled up every coping mechanism, every defense keeping me out of love. I TRASHED AN ENTIRE IDENTITY. Ok? Here is a list of all the things I gave up in under a year in the name of progress and healing.┬áDo me a favor and read it. I left a scorched earth of the only way of being I ever knew.

AND YOU’RE MAD THAT YOU ARE BEING ASKED TO ADMIT THAT A WOMAN HAS A RIGHT TO ENTER A MAN’S APARTMENT AFTER A DATE AND NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM?? CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER.

I understand not everyone is as strong as I am or willing to go as hard as I do. But don’t ask me to feel bad for you that things are changing. Don’t expect me to give my time to comforting you in your shock. I went first and I gave you all the tools for how to handle this. Don’t act so damn surprised.

So either grow or don’t. Adapt or die. It’s not personal, but I can’t afford to slow down for you anymore. It’s really unpleasant for me and I need to put myself back on the advanced track where we’re solving the next big things. Because that’s where you like me best anyway.

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