Captain’s Log, 2.17.18

Let’s get something very clear.

When I decided I wanted different results in my life, I was in a very low place. I had been dumped on my birthday a second time. I was engaged in a horrific toxic spiral that had finally become too much even for me – desensitized, I-don’t-feel-pain me – to bear. A friend had caught me saying something horrible about myself and called me out on it, remarking that it was evidence of how badly my abusers and assailants had poisoned my own well against me, and I saw for the first time how far I had fallen.

At that point (fall 2015), I had already invested a significant amount of money into learning magick, although I had not yet surrendered to it. I knew how to manipulate energy but I was using it to try to fit square pegs into round holes, rather than using it to rise above and see my true worthiness of my destiny (for lack of a briefer term). But having attended regular classes at The Green Man and House of Intuition I was already significantly invested in my skill set.

When I saw the problem – or more accurately, when I saw the tip of its iceberg – I sought a professional for help (summer 2016). That’s when the universe, in the form of mutual friends, sent me Katherine Gerardi, and I invested a low amount in an initial session, thinking we could clear what was necessary in the span of a few weeks (ha!). When all my trauma came tumbling like boxes out of a closet, I upped my investment and I continue to invest in her work to this day – and to my credit I am better than ever at knowing what I need and helping her help me.

When I started to see the incredible depth of the work ahead of me (Feb 2017), I surrendered and prayed. I prayed for my healing to be swift and painless. I helped others and asked for their prayers in exchange. Healers began coming out of the woodwork to assist me because they saw my commitment to my growth in my posts and essays – some who volunteered to work with me for free or at sliding scale rates (in some cases I was able to make donations to people months after the fact, when it turns out they needed it most). Whatever I needed, whatever I felt a deep resonance with, the money was there, in some form or another. If I couldn’t afford it, well, I didn’t really need it.

So if you want to know how I got to where I am today, in early 2018? It’s because I worked my ass off, I surrendered to giving up my most precious coping mechanisms, things I never in a million years imagined living without (the bondage rings installed on my expensive bedframe are reduced now to a rather embarrassing relic), and because when I needed help I wasn’t afraid to pay for it.

Don’t come to me and marvel at my journey like it’s something extraordinary when you haven’t been willing to invest in yourself. Don’t come asking for my help if you’re not prepared to throw down as hard as I did. I will help you, I will teach you everything I did and show you exactly the steps to doing it. But you have to be serious. If you’re not, don’t come to me asking me how I did it and flip-flopping on your own commitment when I could be using that time making more FREE CONTENT for EVERYONE to learn from. I’m happy to answer your questions but trust me, I know when you’re serious and when you’re not.

The point is, I did it. And I can teach you how to do it too. But you have to be as serious as I was when I started. You have to be just as ready. Until then, flirt with enlightenment all you want, enjoy my posts and videos, that’s what they’re there for – but please leave me my bandwidth to use on those people who want to make actual changes. We’re in an ascension and time is of the essence. Move or be moved.

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